May 21, 2025

Beyond Labels: The Truth About Mixed Identity, Medication & Loss

Beyond Labels: The Truth About Mixed Identity, Medication & Loss

Izzy Silvers is an award-winning journalist and founder of Mixed Messages, a platform empowering mixed-race individuals and fostering understanding around racial identity. Its a spectrum, not a LABEL!

In this episode, Annie and Izzy discusses her experiences with therapy and medication, the lessons learned about self-care, and the complexities of mixed identity. She shares her personal journey about grief once-removed, mental health struggles, and the importance of seeking help.

Learn about how to understand your own journey, and how to allow yourself the time to do so.

Izzy Silvers is an award-winning journalist and founder of Mixed Messages, a platform empowering mixed-race individuals and fostering understanding around racial identity. Its a spectrum, not a LABEL!

In this episode, Annie and Izzy discusses her experiences with therapy and medication, the lessons learned about self-care, and the complexities of mixed identity. She shares her personal journey about grief once-removed, mental health struggles, and the importance of seeking help.

Learn about how to understand your own journey, and how to allow yourself the time to do so.

 

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Isabella (Izzy) Silvers

02:08 Facing Grief and Loss

04:27 The Journey to Seeking Help

06:15 The Role of Therapy and Medication

09:18 Building Supportive Routines

13:14 Lessons Learned on the Journey

15:43 Navigating Second Degree Grief

20:09 Creating Mixed Messages

22:43 Understanding Mixed Identity

25:03 Conversations on Race and Identity

31:44 Investing Time in Mental Health

34:56 OUTRO.mp4

 

Follow Izzy:

Subscribe to Mixed Messages

Instagram: @izzymks
@mixedmessagesnewsletter

 

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Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wenmiao-yu-b37bba151⁠

 

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Say hi at lowtogrowpodcast@gmail.com :)

 

Please Note:

This podcast is for general awareness and educational purposes only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult with qualified mental health professionals for specific concerns or situations. Check out https://www.mind.org.uk/ for free resources.

Transcript

Annie Yu WM: Welcome to Low to Grow, the podcast transforming life's toughest moments into personal motivation. I'm Annie, a Forbes under 30 technology founder whose entrepreneurship journey ran alongside a mental health awakening. In each episode, I sit down with inspiring individuals who have each faced incredible challenges, tackled it head on and emerged stronger on the other side. Together, we'll explore their stories, unpack the lessons that they have learned, and also understand how they managed to turn challenges into opportunities for personal growth. Whether you're navigating uncertainty in your personal life or simply looking for motivation to keep going, this is your space for the honest conversations that you will want to hear. If this resonates with you, hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you know someone who's struggling, share this with them. You might just prompt them to take the first step towards better mental health. Now, let's dive in. Today, I am thrilled to welcome Isabella Silvers, a BAFTA Connect member, Global Ambassador for the Graduate Fashion Week. I'm also an award-winning freelance journalist with fine lines and publications such as Elle, Cosmopolitan and Harper's Bazaar. With her mixed British and Punjabi heritage, Izzy has a deep personal understanding of the complexities of racial identity which she explores on her own platform, Mixed Messages. Before we start, Izzy, who do you think will benefit most from listening to our conversation today?

Izzy Silvers: I think anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed, anyone who has ever felt like they have to be the strong person and kind of done that to their own detriment. So I think anyone who's, whatever it may be, grief, whether it be overwhelmed, anxiety, depression, just anyone who's kind of felt that they're at the end of their tether and they're looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

Annie Yu WM: Izzy, everyone has moments in life where they can really feel like they have hit rock bottom, no times when it's really difficult to see a way forward. Can you share with us a moment where you felt like you were at your lowest point?

Izzy Silvers: Yeah, it was interesting thinking about this before we came together to speak today. And there's been a few points in my life where I've really been looking for help and needed help. But the moment that I'm choosing to speak about today is kind of where a lot of my growth began and started. So in 2017, my best friend, my best friend of now kind of 17, 18 years, her dad unexpectedly passed away in his sleep. It was, as I mentioned, very unexpected and not something that I'd ever had to deal with in my life before losing someone who I'd been so close to. And 18 months later, I might be wrong in my numbers, but a very short time afterwards, her mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died within six weeks. Her mom was my teacher at school. I'd known her for longer than I'd known my best friend. And so that was another really big blow for me. At the same time, a really close friend of mine was in an accident and she nearly lost her life. She had severe injuries, both physical and mental. And another friend of mine, her dad, passed away from an ongoing disease. So I was, how old was I at this point, 25. And I was facing such immense feelings of loss and grief. But also feeling that grief, I like to call it grief once removed. These weren't my parents, you know, it wasn't me that this accident happened to. But being so close to the families, it was a really, really difficult time for me. And at the same time, I had an issue with a family member, which really tipped me over the edge. And so it was at this point, I remember not being able to sleep, not feeling like I could breathe, you know, dealing with anxiety that I probably pushed down for quite a few years and it just reached ahead. So that is the point where I can really remember, I thought, I need to get help. I can't go on feeling this way.

Annie Yu WM: And how did you, you know, come to that realisation that you needed to seek outside help?

Izzy Silvers: I think it was when I was staying with a friend in Edinburgh. We'd gone to the Fringe. So we were in a hotel and my anxiety and the way my brain works, I've got a very active brain. There are lots of things running through my head. So I'm constantly looking for things to calm that voice in my mind and calm me down. But that voice was stopping me from sleeping. I just could not sleep. And I remember it was 4 a.m., 2 a.m., very early hours of the morning. And I was in the hotel room, in the bathroom, crying, thinking, I can't go on. I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this. I spoke to my friend the next day at breakfast. I remember that was the first time that I had really opened up about how I was feeling, booked a doctor's appointment, and then went to see a medical professional about finding therapy that was right for me, but also medication. And I'm a big advocate for medication. And I can honestly say that it gave me the space, the brain space to do all of the work in therapy, in CBT, that I needed to do. But without medication, I don't think I would have had the clarity to be able to do that. So, yeah, it was a big time in my life. And I like to be very open about that because I like to be an example for other people that medication is nothing to be ashamed of. It's something that I'm very open about, very proud of, because it's got me to where I am today.

Annie Yu WM: Was that your first time seeking therapy?

Izzy Silvers: Yeah, it was my first time seeking therapy. So initially, I had grief therapy to deal with the loss of my best friend's parents. And I used that term once removed because I almost felt like I didn't want to burden my best friend by telling her how sad I was feeling about her mom dying and her dad dying. I felt like it was almost inappropriate to lean on her and ask for support from her. So I went to grief therapy and it was good. It's interesting now, you know, eight years later, I can't remember what those sessions were like or what we spoke about. But it was my first time in therapy. And then I also moved on to do some sleep, hygiene, training and kind of CBT practices. But honestly, I have to say it was the medication that just calmed my brain enough for me to lie down and go to bed. And then I moved on to talking therapy, counseling, which I'm into this day. A couple of years ago, I felt like, or maybe even three or four, I felt like I was getting to that point of overwhelm and I recognized those signs in myself. So I now have a therapist that I see weekly and I am really, really happy with the work that we've done together and the progress that I feel like I've made.

Annie Yu WM: Really glad to hear that. Going back to the first time that you were having therapy, was it what you expected?

Izzy Silvers: I did therapy for the first time in person and it was interesting. I now do therapy online which I prefer because I'm in my safe space and if I've had a really emotional session where I've been crying, I'm at home and I can, you know, do what I need to do, get back into bed if I need to, wear my pyjamas, whatever it might be. When I first had therapy, it was in person and so I would be crying, the session would come to an end and then I would just have to walk out the door into the sunlight, get on the tube and go to work. So it was an interesting experience. I think I was at an age and at a point, as I say, I hadn't faced that grief in my own life. And so I was really working through some big feelings and some big emotions that I didn't quite understand. So it was very, a lot of me crying for sure. But then feeling that lightness and feeling that, wow, if I do talk about these feelings, then it might lead to me feeling better and feeling a bit less heavy. I can't really remember it now, but it set me on a journey to understanding that therapy is something that's really, really important for me.

Annie Yu WM: Alongside having therapy throughout that time, what other types of support were you able to have? What you felt like really helped you to move yourself into a brighter place?

Izzy Silvers: I also try and get outside. I say that it's raining outdoors right now, but I try and get some fresh air, even if it's just walking to Tesco at the bottom of my road. If I'm able to just get some fresh air and get outside, it doesn't have to be an hour-long walk. That helps me too. Other things that I try and do are giving myself a lot of alone time and a lot of decompression time. I'm a very busy person. I'm always going places, doing things, and I've worked really hard on actually learning to say no and to prioritize myself and my own well-being. You can probably hear in my voice a little bit that I'm not 100 percent well. I've been sick over the past week, and learning to rest has been really difficult for me. So definitely just giving myself quiet time alone, not on the phone to anyone, not on FaceTime to anyone, just being in my own company has been really, really important. And exercise. I am not an exercise lover. I truly hate it. I've written about exercise and how I don't get that endorphin boost. It's really difficult for me to feel that motivation to keep working out. I would much rather be watching a film on the sofa. But again, prioritizing yoga or slow movement, Pilates, finding something that works for me, going to the gym with friends initially, because it was something I was nervous about. Now I feel very comfortable with where I'm at with exercise. It's not my number one priority. I'm always going to choose, you know, meeting friends for dinner over the gym. But knowing that I have it there, and I probably go at least twice a week, if not more, depending on the week, I know it's good for my brain. And also cooking and baking. I really enjoy kind of the mindfulness of cooking something and then enjoying it or baking. So that's a good one too.

Annie Yu WM: Well, that's really interesting actually, because it's, you know, when you're cooking, you have that practical aspect to it as well. So you can almost take your mind off things. So what was the most recent thing that you baked?

Izzy Silvers: I made a lemon cake, which was really, really simple, very few ingredients. I'm vegetarian and I try and bake vegan. So I swap out the eggs and swap out the butter for an egg replacer and vegan butter, and then made a little lemon icing, which ended up more like a syrup that drizzled all the way through. But it was really, really good.

Annie Yu WM: That sounds really nice. Looking back on your journey over the past few years, what are some of the biggest lessons that you have learned?

Izzy Silvers: It's so funny thinking about the lessons I've learned, because they're things that we all know to be true, but we just have to get there in our own time. Things like, if I rest, I will get better after being sick quicker. I'm currently talking to my therapist about dating, and how to date in a way that doesn't make me hate myself, to be honest. It really does come down to, even though I hate saying this, is if you are comfortable with yourself, and happy in yourself, you will have a much more positive experience, which is frustrating to hear. And I say that not in a way of you need to think you're the hottest person on the planet or the most amazing, interesting person, although why not? You probably are. But just being able to know who you are, and what you're about, and what you deserve is really, really important. So the ability to slow down has been huge. The ability to rest, you know, physically slow down, but also just mentally slow down and calm the chatter in my brain and think about, okay, I'm feeling this way. I'm reacting emotionally to this situation. Why am I reacting that way? What is it that's underneath? And being able to do that work is something that I really am happy that I kind of have that in my repertoire now. And it's something I would recommend to everyone, but it takes time and it's not something that someone else can kind of tell you and that's it. We all have those friends where we feel like we've told them so many times and then they learn it for themselves. So you have to want to get there as well. That's really important.

Annie Yu WM: Izzy, I completely agree, you know, taking your own time and for each individual, it really is having your own unique set of experiences that brings you to where you are today. That can really affect how you appear to other people around you, so you feel about yourself as well.

Izzy Silvers: Yeah.

Annie Yu WM: Just going back to a point that you mentioned earlier about second degree grief. I feel like there's a lot of resources out there about what to do if someone close to you, a friend or family member passes away. It has not so much chatter about second degree grief. If someone listening to this is going through a similar process, what type of advice would you give them?

Izzy Silvers: It's tough. I think there's times and places. The day my best friend's dad died, I wanted to be there for her, and I think that was the right decision, and as it was for the next few weeks. But then I also leaned on my friends and my family to talk about how much this was impacting me and how difficult I was finding it. Then later on in our relationship, I wrote about this, actually. I wrote about how watching a show that I think might be on Netflix, I can't remember, but it's a show with Elizabeth Olsen, and it's called Sorry for Your Loss, and it is a show where she has lost her husband, and you follow her family and their emotions and how they're feeling about their sister or daughter's husband dying. That was eye-opening for me. Being able to see that I was allowed to feel sad and that it was normal for me to feel sad, really helped me, so I'd really recommend watching Sorry for Your Loss. But I wrote about that show and how it made me feel like I deserved to grieve. And I spoke to my best friend and she said to me, it's okay, I want you to tell me. It's nice for me to hear that my mom and my dad meant so much to you that you are feeling upset about them passing. And so, like I say, it's a time and knowing when the point is to ask your friend or whoever it might be and say, is it okay to you if I talk about your mom, your dad, your brother, your husband? And you know, I'm really upset and missing them. And that's often, more often than not, a nice thing for the person who's directly grieving to hear. Definitely lean on your own networks, friends and family. But don't be afraid to talk to the person who's directly impacted because it's probably really nice for them to hear that their loved one touched your life as well.

Annie Yu WM: So say someone really wanted to speak to a friend who had just lost their mum or dad, but they just didn't know how to start the conversation. What types of phrases would you recommend them using?

Izzy Silvers: I think it's all about reading their emotions in the conversation. You could start by asking them how they're feeling at this moment in time, how they're feeling on this particular day. You could start by talking about a memory that you had together. The three of you, or maybe it was you and the person who's passed away individually. You could talk about maybe you're in their house and there's a picture on the wall of the person who has passed. Using those touch points to sense how the other person is feeling and by their reaction and how emotional they might become, what they're expressing to you as well. So listening is really important. That might give you the entry point to be able to say, I'm really missing them at the moment, or is it okay if we talk about them because I'm really missing them and I'm grieving their loss at the moment. More often than not, the person is gonna wanna welcome that. They want to talk about the person that was so important to them. And it's nice for them to hear stories that maybe they haven't heard before. So communication is key and kind of reading the other person's state of mind. But with your own networks, straight up ask as well. If you feel like someone hasn't asked you, for example, if my friends wouldn't necessarily come and ask me, how are you feeling about your best friend's mom passing? But it's on me to be able to go to them and say, I'm feeling really sad today. Can I just talk about this? And again, more often than not, your friends are gonna welcome it.

Annie Yu WM: Izzy, that's so profound, creating that right circumstance for the conversation to start and knowing that your friends would want to be there to support you and that they're just waiting for you to make that first step and to reach out to them and ask for help. That's so profound. You do a lot of different types of work, one of which is running Mixed Messages. Could you tell us a bit more about what your motivation behind that was?

Izzy Silvers: Yeah, so Mixed Messages is a newsletter that I run on Substack, and it's all about being mixed race. I grew up in Birmingham, where there was a huge South Asian population. And so I never really started to think about what it meant to be mixed until I got into journalism. Working in journalism at the beginning, it was and still is, but things are changing, a very white industry. And I was doing a lot of work in looking at how we diversify the content that we put out, the celebrities that you see on the covers of magazines. I was also looking at what the atmosphere was like behind the scenes and how the staff were feeling, and what the culture was like. But throughout all of that, I really started to think, well, what does it mean to be mixed within this? And when is it appropriate for us to tell our stories? When is it not appropriate? When is the mic best passed on to someone else? And I really started to think about what it meant to be mixed. At the same time, I was seeing girls on Love Island say that their type was mixed race guys, and wondering if they knew what that meant, because I knew what they meant, but I don't know that they meant that. And so I really wanted to create a space that shows that mixedness is such a variety of different experiences. We don't all look the same, we don't all have the same heritage, we don't all think the same, feel the same. I've spoken to people who have found it very difficult to be mixed, and I've spoken to people who think it's the most boring thing about them, because it doesn't feature in their day to day. And so Mixed Messages really aims to showcase that breadth of experience, and give all of my subscribers at least one voice, I interview a different person each week, but hopefully they can find someone in the many, many people that I've interviewed that really resonates with them and can show them that they're not alone.

Annie Yu WM: And Izzy, for you, what does being mixed mean?

Izzy Silvers: For me, I would say it's having biological parents of different ethnicities, and I'm conscious to say biological parents because there are people who are mixed and are adopted into mono-racial families. There are people who are mixed and don't know their parents, don't know their families. There are people who are adopted and never get that lineage explained to them. So it's people with parents who have different backgrounds. And I know people whose parents are mixed and therefore their parents have two or three different heritages within them as well. And it also is a lot about culture. I think there's a lot of similarities between the immigrant experience and the mixed experience. So feeling like you're in this third culture, a feeling like you're a bit different to the majority. So it's so dependent on the politics of where you grew up, the geography of where you grew up, the diversity of the area, what your cultural upbringing was like if you knew your parents, whether or not you're disabled, whether or not you're queer, there's so many elements that go into affecting your mixed identity that it's hard to sum up in a sentence, even though I always ask my guests to sum it up in a word, which is quite mean of me.

Annie Yu WM: I think it's very difficult to sum up in a sentence. I think experiences can be really hard to strike down on black and white on paper. So definitely, definitely appreciate that. I did find some written pieces that you have done, and I wanted you to explain the context around them a bit more. One piece you wrote, I've watched as online debates dictate who can and can't call themselves black. I interviewed Miss World Japan about the backlash against her due to her mixed Japanese and Indian background, and laughed awkwardly as a white woman told me I was too beautiful to have a white dad. Tell us more a bit about your thinking around that when you were writing that piece.

Izzy Silvers: I am endlessly frustrated by bad faith conversations online that deny someone access to their heritage because they have another heritage within their DNA. I am endlessly angry and have been this week because another one of these conversations has raged online. And I do feel like they come from bad faith. I do feel like they don't come from a place of curiosity. So the Miss World Japan example is quite an interesting one. Priyanka Yoshikawa is mixed Japanese and Indian. And in Japanese culture, it's quite specific. In order to be seen as Japanese, you have to be fully Japanese, look fully Japanese and speak perfect Japanese. Now for someone like Priyanka, she's never gonna look fully Japanese because she is mixed Indian and she won't be fully Japanese. But there are political reasons why in Japan that kind of sense of identity is quite specific and strong. I'm not saying that I agree. I don't think that's correct. But there are, if you look at the history of colonization in the area, there's a very specific reason why Japanese people tend to keep that identity quite close. When I look at someone like Zendaya, for example, there are often conversations around Zendaya about how she's not the first black woman to do this because she's mixed. Race, in my opinion, and this is a very kind of top line answer, is a social construct. The world sees Zendaya, first and foremost, as a black woman. They don't look at her and see her as a white woman. Yes, she is light skinned and therefore that makes her more palatable. Yes, colourism is at play. And yes, she probably is privileged because of that and benefits a lot from that. However, I find it incredibly difficult when people say that she's not black because that's how the world will see her. And that's how she will be treated. Yes, with those privileges of having lighter skin, but I find it difficult. And there's been a conversation lately about how a girl who was mixed black, and this, again, this is very top line, and shouldn't have been allowed to enter a particular competition. Now, it turned out that there's a whole host of problems with this, whole host of problems with the girl, whole host of issues that we don't know about. But the underlying conversation was you don't look black enough. So even if this girl had had a black parent, which turns out I don't think she did, the response was you aren't black enough. That's what I find difficult. There's a lot of these conversations in America. Again, there's a political background to them. There's elements of slavery, of paper bag tests, of the one-drop rule, all of this goes into it. But at the same time and at the end of the day, we're talking about a person who would likely be racially abused by white people because of how they look, but is now not allowed into the other side of their heritage. So where do they go? I was talking about this with a friend yesterday. I'm mixed Indian and white. I'm interviewing someone who is Filipino and Hawaiian. Then my other friend is Ghanaian Filipino. We all look different and we're all going to be treated differently and racialized differently because of that. So mixed is not this single category that you can put all of us in because it doesn't work. I'm going to get called the P word. My Ghanaian friend is going to get called the N word. And the Filipino I interviewed is going to face East Asian hate. So it doesn't make sense to fit us all together. And that's where I find that difficult. And that's where that piece came from. This frustration of excluding people from heritages that they're racialized as, but also not allowing mixed people to have a voice. We're often told that we're talking too much and that we need to shut up and get over our biracial panic and anxiety. And I find that difficult.

Annie Yu WM: Is there being any backlash to your work on Mixed Messages?

Izzy Silvers: I've had a couple of comments with people saying that people can't identify as they do, telling them that they're wrong. I don't stand for those posts. I will comment and say, we don't stand for this here at Mixed Messages. Please don't continue to post in this vein. A lot of conversations about whether race passes down through maternal or paternal lines. I've had a few people say that they find it confusing that mixed black people in particular don't fight hard to be accepted into white spaces, but they do fight to be accepted into black spaces. Being told that biracial or being mixed is different, it's different, but there's no articulation of what that difference is. I've had that a few times and some people are also just tired of the conversation and they just don't want to talk about it, which is absolutely fine. Thankfully, I've curated a space where I'm good friends with a lot of the people that I've interviewed because we develop and have such a deep conversation that we develop a bond. I'm really happy that I have comments every week from readers saying that something has resonated with them or they never knew someone else felt like them or had the same mix as them. A woman stopped me on a train to tell me that she reads Mixed Messages to know how to raise her mixed child, which blows my mind. Those are the people I do it for and if you can hear, those are the people that put a smile on my face. I'm really happy that I can be a part of helping people feel less alone.

Annie Yu WM: Izzy, it's so inspiring to see how you've taken something that is a part of you and that you were uncertain about and you wanted to investigate. You created this platform that now really seems to empower a lot of other people in all generations, whether they are children or whether they are raising children. I think that is such an inspirational thing to do. I think you're doing that. It's fantastic. Before we wrap up, I'm going to ask you our podcast Sable Crescent. What do you think will enable more people to have better mental health?

Izzy Silvers: I was thinking about this and I am going to say time. And I think time is an interesting one. I think therapy can be expensive. And I think NHS waiting lists, not for their own fault, can be incredibly long. The time that you put in to get yourself on that waiting list, I think is something that's difficult but will help. We don't all have the means to afford private therapy. In some weeks I can't. I think the time that you put in to yourself, if you are doing therapy or the time that you took to speak to a friend, the time that you took to go and get a doctor's appointment, the time that you invest in yourself is really, really important. But again, I recognize that this is a privilege. You might not have a lot of time. You might be pulled in different ways. You might have children. You might find it really difficult to find that time for yourself. So when I say time, I don't say it flippantly. I understand that it's a precious and sometimes expensive commodity. The time that you can take, even if it's just to download the free Headspace app and the Allo app, and be able to take a walk with your phone in your pocket for five minutes. Any bit of time that you can dedicate to yourself and knowing that it's good for you and putting yourself first is the best thing that you can do. Other than that, loads of money, because then you can go to a beautiful spa, you can fly to a private island. I can't afford to do that.

Annie Yu WM: One day, one day, we shall see.

Izzy Silvers: One day.

Annie Yu WM: Oh, perfect. Izzy, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and also your very personal journey of self-growth with us. I think it's very inspirational and I just know that a lot of people in our audiences, you know, might be in their late teens or early twenties. I know that they will take a lot from this conversation.

Izzy Silvers: Thank you so much for asking me. I really am so passionate about sharing all the bad things in life and the good things that they can lead to. And life is hard and, you know, to pretend that we all just float by on this cloud is, is not helpful to anyone. So thank you for the work that you're doing and for putting these conversations out there.

Annie Yu WM: That's a wrap for this episode of Low to Grow. If you learned something today, help more people to find this conversation by hitting the subscribe button and leaving a review. Keep growing and until next time.